Torchwood and The Holy Grail

[J. T./Jessica]

Jack Harkness versus the Black Dalek

"The Daleks will al-ways tri-umph."

"Okay," Jack muttered, "We have a problem."

The Weevil next to him looked at him in confusion.

"According to what I know about Monty Python, Arthur's supposed to chop off the Black Knight's arms and legs... Problem is, the Daleks don't have legs and they just have those little plunger things for arms. Any suggestions, Janet?"

**==

Rose Is God

"Jack Harkness... Captain Jack Harkness..."

Jack looked up, "Rose is God? That explains a lot, actually..."

"I'm still not going to kiss you, Jack Harkness. Much less sleep with you."

"Had to try," Jack shrugged.

Gwen glared at him, "You'll sleep with anything, won't you?"

"Animal, mineral and vegetable," Jack grinned.

"'Vegetable' meaning parapalegic?" Gwen's glare deepened.

"Actually, no, there's plenty of planets out in the universe where the dominant lifeforms evolved from plants instead of animals, Gwen," Jack lectured, "Don't be so narrow-minded."

"Wasn't that the world where they could shoot high-pressure water jets from their hands... that could cut through solid rock?" Rose asked for confirmation.

**==

Jack and John on shipping

"Why do I keep getting these tiny roles?" John Hart demanded to know.

"Appearantly, the author's doing this to satisfy the fans that ship you and Gwen, along with the ones that ship me and you," Jack shrugged.

"He'll do that, but he won't give a nod to the actual canon relationship between her and that fat bloke."

"He ships me and Gwen."

"So..." John commented after a moment's thought, "What do you think the odds are for a threesome?"

"I'm all for it," Jack smirked, "I just don't know if he'd write it."

[J. T./Jessica]

SCENE FOURTEEN - The Knights Who Say Ni

"Bring us a Meta-crisis-clone or you will be ex-TER-minated."

"Exterminated, deleted," Jack shook his head and sighed, "What ever happened to just plain old fashioned being killed?"

---

SCENE FIFTEEN - The Tale of Sir Lancelot

"Why do I keep getting these tiny roles?" John Hart demanded to know.

"Appearantly, the author's doing this to satisfy the fans that ship you and Gwen, along with the ones that ship me and you," Jack shrugged.

"He'll do that, but he won't give a nod to the actual canon relationship between her and that fat bloke."

"He ships me and Gwen."

"So..." John commented after a moment's thought, "What do you think the odds are for a threesome?"

"I'm all for it," Jack smirked, "I just don't know if he'd write it."

---

"Jack, what the hell are you doing here?"

"Waiting on you, it looks like," Jack shrugged.


----

"You should be glad this seems to be based on the movie and not Spam-A-Lot," Jack commented.

"Why's that?" Gwen was almost afraid to ask.

"You'd probably have been cast as the Lady of the Lake," Jack explained, "And in Spam-A-Lot, she ends up being Guineviere and gets married to Arthur."

"How do you know so much about Broadway?"

Jack shook his head to quickly clear out the rush of Steven Sondheim songs that flooded his mind, "Oh, no reason, really."

Though that one mental image of Gwen in her Police Constable uniform singing 'Sooner or Later' was one to keep in mind for a lonely night, Jack considered.