Post by J. T./Jessica on Jul 29, 2005 21:09:04 GMT -5
(Since Amanda's parents aren't happy about it and probably never will be, in their place I put forward the following... And just so you know, I had to fill it out myself once upon a time...)
OFFICIAL APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME ________________ DATE OF BIRTH _____________
2. HEIGHT _______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q_______ G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # ________________ DRIVERS LICENSE # _________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK__________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _______________ CITY/STATE__________ ZIP _________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________
If No., EXPLAIN ___________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ?____________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? ______
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo_________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend ______________ How often do you attend _________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father,mother, priest/rabbi/minister?______________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________
c) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her __________________( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
___________________ Signature (That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six months for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back)
OFFICIAL APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME ________________ DATE OF BIRTH _____________
2. HEIGHT _______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q_______ G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # ________________ DRIVERS LICENSE # _________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK__________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _______________ CITY/STATE__________ ZIP _________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________
If No., EXPLAIN ___________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ?____________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? ______
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo_________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend ______________ How often do you attend _________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father,mother, priest/rabbi/minister?______________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________
c) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her __________________( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
___________________ Signature (That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six months for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back)
