NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (Part XXL)

[JP Gibb]

Let the countdown begin: On Wednesday (July 13), DreamWorks Pictures, Paramount Pictures and Hasbro, Inc. announced that a live-action feature film version of "Transformers" will hit movie theaters on July 4, 2007.

Y'know, someone with restraint and good taste would refrain from making statements like: I sure hope the North Koreans nuke LA between before this is finished.

Fortunately I have no such compunctions.

And July 4th? Yeah, f*ck you too Hollywood.

Michael Bay ("The Island," "The Rock") will direct what promises to be a wildly expensive production based on a script from his "Island" scribes Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci. The impressive production team will be led by executive producer Steven Spielberg, with Lorenzo di Bonaventura (upcoming "Four Brothers"), Tom DeSanto ("X-Men" and "X2: X-Men United") and Don Murphy ("The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen") serving as co-executive producers.

So much talent concentrated for this one film? This will surely be the best thing Hollywood has ever produced.

**Please note I dripped so much sarcasm typing that, I've shorted out my computer, and am now on my back-up PC**

God, lets see: Michael "Pearl Harbor sucked, and I miss you." Bay, the two chuckle-heads who "wrote" the script for "The Island" (Go see www.agonybooth.com/parts/island.asp for details), and Steven (haven't made a good film since.................... Temple of Doom?) Spielberg. Yeah, this is going to bomb like a B-52.

Seriously, "X-Men", "X-Men 2" and "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen"? Were those films even remotely faithful to the source material?

Fans around the world have wanted a Transformers live-action movie for a long time and we are thrilled to work with DreamWorks and Paramount to bring this legendary saga to life on the big screen," says Brian Goldner, president of Hasbro's U.S. Toy segment. "With some of the entertainment industry's best talent on board for this film, fans will experience Transformers in a way that is incredibly powerful."

Noooooooooo, fans around the world know if Hollywood makes a live action Transformers it'll suck like a black hole.
This is a cynical money-grab, pure and simple.

And I'll bet real money Megs will not be a Walther P38.

[J. T./Jessica]

Ahem, Gibb...

I could have told you a WHILE back about this...

It pays to spend time on Seibertron.

www.seibertron.com/news/index.php?keyword=movie

[Enigma!]

You know, if I hadn't given up on almost every movie not animated and/or produced in Japan since 2002, I'd fear for the future of Hollywood due to this news.

[JP Gibb]

I knew before, even mentioned it on another thread, I just had to get that rant out after I saw the official press release.

[JP Gibb]

Partial trasncript of an interview with writers Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci:

"'Transformers' is very tricky, because it's a movie based on a toy line," Kurtzman told us, when asked about how hard it might be to turn the Hasbro toys into a feature film. "The first question you have to ask yourself is what's the movie? We sat down with Steven Spielberg, and we said that the action scenes in this movie are a given, but he said that that it's the story of a boy and his car and that he wants to bring back the old Amblin movies.

Oh good, I was worried about Bay ruining this movie, and Steve's already taken care of that.

It's 'Back to the Future'…great! We're in! It's a real challenge, because the key to making those movies work--and I totally think it's why 'War of the Worlds' works so well--is to be so invested in the people and to maintain the subjectivity of the humans.

I'm sorry, I thought the title of the movie was THE TRANSFORMERS and that THEY would be the main characters. God, this is going to be so much worse than the Prequels I'd almost think it was some sort of conspiracy...

If you start 'Transformers' with giant robots sitting in a spaceship flying through space, your movie is dead in the water.

'Cause the original series and the first movie were just horrid disasters, wern't they?

It's all about keeping it at a human level, and seeing the amazing things that are going on through the eyes of the characters."

CYBERTRON TO SPACE-CADET WRITERS: NOBODY GIVES A F*CK ABOUT THE HUMANS IN A TRANSFORMERS MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

]The Transformers legacy is so vast and full of characters, we just had to know who they may be including in the story. "The staple characters: Optimus Prime, Megatron, Soundwave, Shockwave, Starscream, Jazz," Kurtzman replied. "There's going to be a lot of them.

Good. Given the scale of the battles in G1, that's going to be a necessity.

Then again, Megatron will not be a pistol in this movie, Soundwave is a helicopter, and God only knows what else they've changed.

You're going to have ten Transformers in that movie,

*Blink blink* That's what you cretans consider a lot?
In their defence though, to count any higher, they'd have to take off their shoes.

and if that's not enough, you can go see 2, 3, 4 or 5."

Fat freakin' chance.

"The meat and potatoes are going to be in there," writing partner Roberto Orci continued. "We're just missing the premise for the sequels."

Retort...burning...in...throat.

[J. T./Jessica]

Actually, in the comics, Megatron's favorite (his preferred form) was that of a TANK (G2), so as long as they do that, it's ok.

And they're probably basing Movie SW off of Armada Cyclonus... who in turn was little more than a Soundwave clone...

...Hey, Gibb... If you're a Transfan and want to play an online game, I suggest taking up arms in the Heavy Metal War on Seibertron.com... I'm an Autobot there. ( www.seibertron.com/heavymetalwar/ )

[JP Gibb]

See, that's my main problem though. This is supposedly based on G1. (Yes, I know "Based on" = "has absolutly nothing to do with" in Hollyweird)

If you want to (or have to) change cosmetic designs (update the Seekers to F/A-22s, change Prime to a more modern model 18 wheeler, etc.) I'd have no problems with that. This is just changing things to change them, and so Hasbro can make more money on new toys.

[J. T./Jessica]

You want proof of that?

Know what 'CINO' started out as? "Unnamed Batman Returns Spin-Off"... and when it was finished, it had nothing to do with Batman Returns and, as the popular alternate title states, was Catwoman In Name Only. I mean, would it REALLY have been that hard to put Selina Kyle in a new city and chronicle her time there while she tries to learn to live with herself (basing that statement on what she told Bruce in Returns, "I could live with you forever in your castle... but I can't live with myself)? Oh, wait, that would require casting people that know how to act, spending the budget on the movie instead of other stuff, and actually writing a script... Let's just get someone with big breasts to play the title character and let the perverts and fanboys pay the bills...



Speaking of that kind of thing, have you heard that Rob Jones (I think...), the man who played Cooter in the Dukes of Hazzard series is urging true fans to avoid the movie?

[Enigma!]

Yeah, I read about that in the news (Personally, I wonder why would Georgians vote for a guy who played a guy named Cooter). He said that there was too much cussing and toilet humor in the movie and that such things "don't belong in Hazzard County." I'd have to agree.

[JP Gibb]

Yeah, I just saw an telephone interview on Fox News. As he's talking they're running clips of the movie and the video for Jessica's cover of Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'".
One thing I noticed is that both are more like perversions of the originals than remakes or covers. For example: one of the Duke boys shoots some sort of flaming arrow/RPG at a police car. Huh?
The cover of the song is just awful too. A song about female empowerment, and it's now Jessica strutting around in short-shorts. (Not that I mind hot pants, on an attractive woman anyway.)

Meh, and they wonder why movie attendence is at an all time low, and shows no sign of picking up.

[J. T./Jessica]

Well... the dynamite arrows Bo and Luke used could be considered a primitive RPG...

But they NEVER fired them at Rosco or Enos, "Assault With Intent To Kill," "Attempted Murder," "ADW," and "Assaulting a Police Officer," (It could be classified any one of these, I'd think...) ANY ONE of them could have gotten their probation revoked.

Now if a police vehicle gets into an accident with another police vehicle or lands in a river/creek/lake while chasing the Dukes, well, that doesn't count. (Which is why that's what usually happened.)

[J. T./Jessica]

You know, Spielburg's been going again what's SUPPOSED to be all his career.

Peter Benchley, author of the ORIGINAL book "Jaws", had our Great White friend die after being harpooned by Quint and disagreed when Spielburg did the whole exploding SCUBA tank thing.

Spielburg's response was that if he had them for the two hours they'd believe whatever he did in the last three minutes.

[JP Gibb]

Ne, and as we found out last night, it takes a piece of C4 to blow up a SCUBA tank. There has to be something in the air in LA (besides smog, anyway), there's no way they were all this stupid to start with.

[J. T./Jessica]

Someone once said that you're born intelligent and school makes you smart. (Read: dumber than you started as)

[JP Gibb]

Further proof that Hollywood is bereft of ideas: it was announced at this year's ComiCon that a new TMNT is being made, with CGI Turtles. *Commences banging head against desk.*